# 7 LET’S TALK ABOUT IT: Why do I feel so much pressure to have an orgasm?
Let’s quantify what a good time looks like and the various factors that make sex ‘successful.’
As humans, we love a good story and in some cases, we embody these stories. We love a beginning, middle and an end. The stories we embody apply to sexy times as well. You were told by someone in your life (specifically your friend in high school) that sex starts with a kiss and ends with an ejaculation. And in the middle, are blow jobs, humping and whatever else lies between that lip hug and liquid parade (ok I know, I know). This is what we know to be ‘true.’ A lot of emphasis is put on the ending. You can skip that beginning and middle part but to many, the lack or omission of an orgasm is life ending.
As a result, a lot of people feel the pressure to meet the requirements of this journey. In order to walk out feeling like we had a good time, we need to know that the journey had a conclusive destination, AKA, the orgasm.
In my own personal experience, I lived the earlier part of my life devoid of any information related to my body. I knew I was capable of giving myself an orgasm but when it came to my partners, I never put that pressure on them (partly because I didn’t want to teach them). But at every point that I was met with the comment ‘did you cum yet’ or ‘why didn’t you have an orgasm.’ I found this strange because it felt performative, all the while, putting similar pressure on the men I was with and feeling excited when they ejaculated. The ejaculation was a physical sign that I did a good job. It feels like getting a gold star.
It took me YEARS to let that shit go! Not just that, but to advocate for myself and realize that communicating your needs is not a bad thing (shocking). To actually say the words ‘I don’t want to have an orgasm, thank you though.’ And I know, it sounds like this might actually be the worst thing to stay but I am with you on this - sometimes I do not want to have an orgasm AND THAT IS OK!
As a quick note, an ejaculation is different from an orgasm and a lot of people can have an orgasm without ejaculating and vice versa. Ok so now that we’re on the same page – I’d love to move on to the part of this essay that allows us to get over wanting a fairy tale ending when we’re having sex and leave it open ended.
I am going to share a couple of pointers that helped me overcome this and work through it and honestly, it’s still a journey, girl..
First off, work through the feeling of needing to have closure. Let sex be open ended. Do not go in with *any* expectations. Start with a blowjob, end with a kiss and forgo all desires to have an orgasm. This will be uncomfortable, I know. But that’s the point.
The street should be open both ways. Do not put pressure on your partner to cum even if you don’t want to and also don’t force them to not orgasm just because you don’t want to. Let them do them, you do you. But be explicit in the beginning so there are no surprises. Now, THIS IS A MUST. Do not expect them to read your mind and get upset with them when they fail. Set your partner up for success.
Practice! Continue to have sex and avoid finding ways to end it with an orgasm. Take regular breaks, introduce non-sexual acts in the middle like staring at each others eyes, holding hands or massaging. If you want to keep it purely sexual, become a giver and watch your partner cum.
Remember – don’t hold yourself back. If you find yourself wanting to orgasm, do it! This whole exercise is helping you get in touch with your body and listen to your intuition.
You got this!