#9 LET’S TALK ABOUT IT: How do I deal with nosy questions about my sexuality?
5 ways to say 'actually, this is none of your goddamned business'
The question should actually be – Why are people so nosy? And why are they so comfortable asking these questions? It seems to be an ongoing theme where a lot of people feel comfortable asking queer people to air their business, and answer questions that are quite frankly, google-able.
I was at a party the other night when I was explaining the story behind my first tattoo. I was asked and I told them the truth — I got a butterfly tattoo on my ankle to impress a girl who had the SAME ONE. It was my way of expressing my love for her.
Once I finished telling the story, there was a long awkward pause before the woman said ‘so you’re fluid, how does that work with your husband? Are you guys in an open relationship?’
Ok ma’am, I just met you. Truth be told, I don’t even know your name. But you feel very comfortable asking me to justify my bisexuality to you so you can wrap your head around it.
Sadly, I still felt the need to convince her. So I went into this really long monologue about bisexuality and how it’s more than sex and that there is a difference between attraction, and sexual orientation blah blah blah. There was honestly no point to this conversation. I was put on trial for a case I was never going to win anyway.
I was left feeling invalidated, and embarrassed. The worst part was, I wasn’t even angry with the person who asked me these invasive questions. I was disappointed with myself for not responding better. So while I was wallowing away, I made a quick list of things I could have said instead. Because, I still am a little bit of a people pleaser and it feels good to stand on business (in a polite way).
“I don’t feel comfortable addressing that with you right now”
“If it’s okay with you, I’d rather not get into it the weeds of my sexuality”
“I don’t know if that question is an appropriate questions for me to answer”
“I am not open to discussing the details of my sexuality right now”
And this last one, which in my opinion, is pretty sassy…
“I appreciate your curiosity but I’m not at a point where I feel comfortable talking about this with people I just met”
Everyone is different. But before you speak, ask yourself what the purpose of your response is. If you want it to be an educational moment, then by all means, go ahead. But if you’re hoping to convince someone of your sexuality, it’s most probably not worth it. You shouldn’t have to justify your sexuality to anyone and no one should be asking you to explain it to them.
You have a right to protect your privacy, your peace and your proclivities.
Peace and blessings, your sexuality shall remain your choosings.
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